13 truly horrific dating stories we can only laugh about

Dating is hard and it can often not go as planned. We’re all used to the guy who can’t pay for dinner because he ‘forgot’ his wallet and the date that just can’t get over their ex.

But here are some undeniably awful experiences to (hopefully) make you feel better about your own dating life.

From exposed diaries to two-hour talks about Marxism to mid-sex injuries, horror dates occur on the daily. So, sit back, sip some tea, and enjoy reading these 13 bad dating stories.

Dear diary

“One time I was a little bit younger, and I was with this girl. We were going out and we were getting a little ‘freaky deaky’. My parents weren’t home, and she was chilling at mine so, you know, we did a couple of things. I ended up going down on her. And then a couple weeks go by and I’m going to her house and her mom is just kind of distant and I’m like ‘Hey, how are you?’ and she goes ‘Yeah, no I’m good. Come in.’ etc. And then I was like ‘Hey, is your mom OK like what’s up?’ and she goes ‘Oh no we just kind of had an awkward thing a couple nights ago. My mom found my diary on the kitchen table and read it. And in that diary I wrote about how you went down on me … in like visceral, explicit detail’. I was like ‘oOkaYy’.”

A French fiasco

“There was this French guy who worked at my school’s local bottle shop and when I was in Year 12 [and] I was obsessed. Because I was 18 first, I was always going in and getting drinks for parties. He was so hot and my friends had such a crush on him. Fast forward a year and I’m at his really weird house. Because he was French, he lived in like a boarding house almost, with all these people he didn’t really know. And we were having sex and I start to hear these like bangs and screaming from around the house and I’m like ‘What the f**k is that’ and he was like ‘Oh just ignore it, just ignore it’. It gets like progressively louder and then I hear the other people come out of their rooms and they’re like screaming and sh*t. Eventually he’s like ‘OK let me go check it out’ and two, not one, but two of his housemates are like seizuring and hit their head and are vomiting. And he doesn’t even know their names. He’s like ‘I don’t know if they’re on drugs’. They’re like a married couple in their 30s. It was so f**king weird. An ambulance gets called and they can’t assess the symptoms. They’re like ‘We don’t know what would have caused this in 2 people. We’re worried there might be some sort of leak in the house.’ And I’m like still in his room (by the way, he had like a million candles lit and I was sweating so much). I can hear him being like ‘Oh, it’s just us five’ (like the housemates). And I was like ‘B*tch what about me?’ Like I could potentially be exposed to this leak. It was so f**ked up. I figured out later that he was having sex with one of the other girls in the house and he didn’t wanna say he was with someone else. I don’t think they were together or anything, he was just awkward about it. I didn’t know what to do so I ended up jumping out the window and walking home.”

A family meeting

“I had Tinder for a little bit just to fill the loneliness void (what a mistake that was). I was talking to this guy who had a really nice car (before I started talking to him, I saw his profile and his car and I super liked it, and not too long after we were talking). After a week or so of talking, he invites me to a car meet. I get to the car meet and see a bunch of people I already know and a girl that he’s been talking to from Tinder shows up and she goes ‘Oh it’s nice to see that you brought your sister along’ and he had told her that I was his sister.”

A bisexual Bumble experience

“OK so basically, I was seeing this guy. We had gone on a few dates, and we were really vibing like we had a lot of common interests – you know, similar vibes whatever. Anyway, it wasn’t like serious enough that I was off Bumble or whatever. So, one day I’m just swiping along like kind of speedy. But whenever I see girls on Bumble (because there are not that many), I always pause and give them a good chance. So, I’m looking at this girl and then I’m like wait! Some guy’s hand is just around her waist, and I was like that’s kind of interesting to have as your first photo. So, I follow the hands and then I look up to the face of this guy and it’s the guy I’m seeing! Their profile is them together looking for a third on her account and then I realise he told me that he and his best friend had like a thing together. I guess I didn’t realise how much of a thing because they were looking for a threesome!”

Dee Why D & M

“This guy and I were chatting and he was like ‘Oh I’m in Dee Why’, and I was like ‘Cool you wanna catch up and go for a walk?’ So we ended up going for a walk just like on the beachfront of Dee Why. It was chill and then he was talking about his ex and saying ‘The real reason I’m on here is for friends. I swipe right on everyone. You know, I don’t even look at them. All the girls are so thirsty’ (he was attractive but that’s the only reason I swiped – and he had good banter). Anyways, alas, we go into his car and then he whips out pictures of his ex-girlfriend and was like ‘She broke up with me. I’m trying to get her back. I’ve given her space and her family loves me and they think she made a wrong choice’. I think it went on for like 2 hours maybe … and I was giving him advice like ‘just stay strong. Maybe don’t try and win her back straight away cause she wants space from you’. When I left, I was like ‘Wow, I really did that.’”

A Tinder tosser

“This guy was like ‘OK I’ll take you for a drive’. And I was like ‘yeah sure, sounds good’. In his car [his phone] came up with a name with a love heart calling him asking where he was. So, he answered, and he was like I’ve got bad reception I can’t talk. Then she spams his phone being like ‘Where the f*ck are you?’, ‘You should share your location with me’. Turns out he’s been dating this girl for three months and he was still talking to girls on Tinder.”

How dare you!

“So, I talked to this guy on Hinge and he was getting very affectionate, asking me when we meet if we can cuddle and stuff. And I was like ‘Oo this is weird’ but other than that he seemed nice, so I ended up going on a date with him. And it was alright. It wasn’t great, I wasn’t feeling it, but I was like I’ll still give it a chance. Anyway, a couple days later I had another date planned that was also from Hinge that I’d planned before this date. And he was messaging me and was like ‘What are you doing today’ and I was like ‘Oh, I’ve got another date’ and he got SUPER pissed! And I was like ‘Bro, we’re not dating’ and he got really mad at me. So, I was like ‘Alright then like we don’t have to talk anymore that’s fine’. And he was like ‘No no, I’m sorry, its fine!’ and I was like ‘No that’s all good, it’s fine. No more. Goodbye.’”

The 2:30 am bar bathroom

“I was in London, and I had met this guy when I was working at the bar. He was really cute, but he was going away. We ended up going on another date when he got back. But we went on this date and got really drunk playing board games at a bar and then I went to wish him well across the road from where I lived at the bus stop. I didn’t wanna leave because we were having a really good time … but I was busting for the toilet and I was really drunk. I lived above the bar and the bar was closing because it was like 2:30am so I sprinted in and my friends who were still working were like ‘Are you OK?’ because they knew I was on a date. I ran downstairs to the bar bathrooms and forgot that I had pants on and I peed myself in my jeans. And then my friend ran downstairs to check on me and I was like blow-drying my jeans underneath the blowdryer drunk. He tried to open the door and I slammed my foot on the door which was so exaggerated. I could’ve just been like ‘oh I just dropped heaps of water on myself’ but no I made it quite clear that I had pissed myself.”

Movie mayhem

“So, we were at the movies. It was this guy I knew from uni, so I knew him a little bit. So we get to the movies and like 10 minutes in he leans over and grabs my hand and I’m like ohhh I don’t wanna hold hands this is weird. I didn’t know how to subtly stop holding hands so we were holding hands for a solid hour. It was so uncomfortable! I was sitting there like ‘how do I let go of his hand?’ Anyway, eventually I did but it was very awkward. Then after the movie he drove me home and he kind of like leaned over and I was like OMG. And then he leaned back away and he was like ‘What? I can’t even give you a hug?’ and I was like ‘Oh’, cause obviously I thought he was going to kiss me. So I said ‘Oh, uh yeah that’s fine’ and gave him a hug. Then I was like ‘Yeah, maybe let’s just be friends’ and he was like ‘Oh, okay’ and then he never talked to me again. Fun times.”

That Sydney chick

“It was just after my break-up with my ex. I met him on tinder. It was really weird. He became way too into it very quick and would booty call me … We went on one date out in Newtown and then on our second date he told me that his ex (he was from the Central Coast) found out that he was seeing some chick in Sydney (like ‘Sydney chick’) and she went and egged his house and his car.”

Unexpected injury

“Basically, I was at this guy’s house. I guess for context, he was slightly older than me. We were just kind of getting it on and halfway through he like cries out in pain and I was like ‘Oh, what the f**k is that’ and he’s like pulled his hamstring! He manages to pull his hamstring halfway through while we’re going at it. So, I spend the rest of the morning with him trying to like massage this guy’s hamstring. I ended up seeing him again. I guess the lesson is don’t sleep with older guys, especially if they don’t go to the physio often cause then you get hamstring problems.”

Wasted time

“The worst date I ever went on was actually with my ex-boyfriend who I dated for about two years. We were kind of long distance. He lived in another city, about a two-hour drive from me. There was one weekend he was supposed to come to me for the first time in ages. He ended up calling me last minute and said ‘Hey, there’s a really early world football game on that my friends and I want to watch together. Would you mind coming down to me and I’ll make it up to you?’ I – cause at the time I was in love with him – said ‘Yeah, no worries’. The one thing I asked was that he book me dinner the following night. I gave him the restaurant, I told him what to do, I gave all of this a week in advance. I got there and not only did I find out during the day that he hadn’t booked me the dinner, I found out he didn’t because he expected that I would’ve done it even though I specifically asked him that I wanted it to be taken care of. I ended up calling the restaurant at about midday (because he fell asleep) to see if I could get us a table. Obviously, because it was like a Saturday night, they said no. So, I then had to spend the next hour and a half while he lay next to me asleep trying to find us somewhere for dinner cause that was the only thing I wanted to do that evening. I ended up finding something. When he woke up, I said ‘OK, I’ve booked us dinner at this place down the road for this time’. He then told me ‘Oh, actually there’s a house-warming party that my friend is having at that time. I wanna go to that instead. Can we push the dinner date forward a bit?’ I begrudgingly said yes and ended up calling them back and booking it for an earlier time. When we actually got to the restaurant he proceeded to kind of sulk because it wasn’t the exact food he wanted, and we essentially ate in silence. We then went to this house-warming party afterwards. We walked there and I was starting to get quite tired, and I told him ‘Hey whenever you’re ready, I’m down to go sit inside where it’s kind of warm’. We then left about an hour later and I found out that he’d been going around telling everyone that I was forcing him to leave because I was too grumpy and cold to stay at this party any longer – even though when we decided to leave he was the one that actually said ‘Yeah I’m really tired I want to go home now’ so he put all of the blame on to me, refused to book me dinner, and essentially didn’t do anything for me and then wondered why I was angry the next day.”

Sheaf sh*tshow

“So, I’m supposed to be going on a date with this girl and we decide to go to the Sheaf in Double Bay because we’re 18 and they have $5 drink Wednesdays. I invite my friend, her boyfriend and another friend, and they all come over for pres (pre-drinks). We got there and my date wasn’t there yet. I was like, whatever, I’ll get a drink and wait. Four hours go by. After an hour I was like ‘f**k this’. I ended up taking eight shots of fireball and all of them were chased with raspberry vodka. I don’t remember much else of the night except for the fact that there was a tree in the middle of the club. I said “Oo pretty tree”, [and] smashed my head on the wall behind me. A 24-year-old man (who also put his number in my phone as ‘the guy who saved you at Sheaf’) was trying to get my friend to go get water and they were like ‘We’re not leaving her alone with you’. He was holding my head and massaging my hair when the girl turns up four hours late and I was like ‘Hiii I’m sorry I’m drunk, you’re really pretty’ and then we go and get a drink. It’s really uncomfortable and we never spoke again.”