Erling Haaland! Lionel Messi! Tottenham! Man Utd… Football, football (and volleyball), everywhere – The Warm-Up

MONDAY’S BIG STORIES

Where to start?

There is nothing quite like the opening weekend of the Premier League. Or more specifically, there is nothing quite like that delighted or sinking feeling you get after your side wins or loses their first game of the season. So, without further ado, let’s jump to some very early conclusions*…

Callum Wilson! If it wasn’t for Haaland, he’d have his hands around the Golden Boot trophy already, but still, he’ll be firing Newcastle to the Champions League before getting his hands on that trophy as well next season. There’s no stopping the Toon’s takeover.

Bournemouth! Flying. Aston Villa! In a state. Chelsea! No more drama. Everton! Haha not but seriously, doomed as well.

And that’s enough of that.

*Please don’t take any of these seriously, except maybe the Haaland one, because seriously, who actually knows.

Haaland announces himself to the Prem

Of course, though, given Football Twitter has taken over the narrative of Football Life, Pep Guardiola still felt the need to say this…

“One week ago, he could not adapt in the Premier League. And now he is alongside Titi Henry, Alan Shearer and Cristiano Ronaldo.”

…but for those who actually watch football and don’t feel the need to troll or bash a player for one miss, it was clear Haaland was ready-made for the Prem, that he is wired differently to your average player, and that he is in fact a goalscoring machine programmed to do the game’s most important skill in the most devastating fashion.

Messi!

The overhead kick was of course delightful, but let’s talk about that assist. Was it a miscontrol? Was it a purposeful flick?

It seems almost sacrilege to question whether the best player this sport has ever seen actually meant something, but we’ll leave that for you to decide…

IN OTHER NEWS

Oh, Man Utd…

Of course, it’s not Keane or Neville’s fault, they’re just saying what they see, but after the early promise around Erik ten Hag’s arrival – where for a fleeting moment there was seemingly the prospect of him actually changing the culture of the club – it could hardly have got off to a poorer start when it actually mattered.

Ten Hag will have known the size of the task when he agreed to join. Louis van Gaal even tried to warm him off it. But it could soon dawn on him now that it may well be mission impossible.

IN OTHER OTHER NEWS

Like, seriously, there’s too much going on, but we don’t want our Monday’s Warm-Up to go by without addressing the fact that LAFC are absolutely tearing it up in the MLS.

Top of the Western Conference and on a five-game winning streak, it started with victory in El Traffico over LA Galaxy, and most recently saw Gareth Bale stroll through the park in their 4-1 win over Real Salt Lake this weekend just gone.

And you would think that Haaland or Messi or Bale or Lage-Marsch would have produced the moment of the weekend, but frankly we can’t stop thinking about Giorgio Chiellini playing volleyball…

IN THE CHANNELS

We present to you a Match of the Day double. Firstly, because bravo Ian Wright…

And secondly, because we’ll stick our neck on the line and say this is pretty hilarious from Shearer. Ultimate dad joke, but quality.

COMING UP

West Brom at home to Watford in the Championship tonight, and then you’ve got some Carabao Cup and Champions League qualifying action in midweek.

Also, Real Madrid against Eintracht Frankfurt in the Super Cup on Wednesday. You see, Klopp is really glad they lost that final, cos it means one less game this season.