Golden Globes announce that they still, in fact, exist

The nominations for the 2024 Golden Globes were announced Monday morning, and the biggest shocker is … that they still exist!

Like a post-apocalyptic Twinkie, the 80-year-old ceremony has survived against all odds. There’s been scandal after scandal, the disbanding of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a sale to Dick Clark Productions and a move from NBC to CBS. And somehow it’s back to being cuckoo for yet another year.

This Globes are the only awards show on the planet where Emma Stone (“Poor Things”) and Natalie Portman (“May December”), starring in prestige films that premiered in Cannes, France, and Venice, Italy, will duke it out against Jennifer Lawrence for her performance in a raunchy sex comedy called, ahem, “No Hard Feelings” (best female actor in a motion picture — musical or comedy).

More jaw-dropping than that roster is that Netflix’s “May December,” about a woman loosely based on Mary Kay Letourneau who had an affair with a high-school student and married him, has been deemed a “comedy or musical.”

And, apparently, the powers that be have also decided it is of vital importance that the public witness “Oppenheimer” compete in the same category as “Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour” (the asinine cinematic and box office achievement prize).  

The lunacy doesn’t stop there, folks. The Jan. 7 telecast reportedly doesn’t even have a host yet. Tick tock.

But what’s great about the Globes’ booze-soaked craziness is that it can lead to inspired, underdog picks too. 

For instance, A24’s gorgeous romantic drama “Past Lives,” about childhood sweethearts from South Korea reuniting in New York, over-delivered, scoring five nods for best motion picture — drama, best female actor (Greta Lee), best director (Celine Song), best screenplay and best motion picture — foreign lanuage.

While the talented Song will have an uphill climb against the likes of against Bradley Cooper (“Maestro”), Greta Gerwig (“Barbie”), Christopher Nolan (“Oppenheimer”), Martin Scorsese (“Killers of the Flower Moon”) and Yorgos Lanthimos (“Poor Things”), she knocked off some heavy-hitter directors such as Todd Haynes (“May December”) and Alexander Payne (“The Holdovers“).

I was also thrilled to see Barry Keoghan and Rosamund Pike be recognized for their terrific work in the controversial “Saltburn.” I’m equally as deflated to not see “The Color Purple” nominated for best motion picture — musical or comedy, even though its fabulous stars Fantasia Barrino and Danielle Brooks made the cut.

It came as no surprise, however, that Barbenheimer asserted its might once again. “Barbie” managed nine nominations — more than any other movie — buoyed by three in the best original song category alone. Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling got best female actor in a motion picture — musical or comedy and best male actor in a supporting role in any motion picture nods (Gosling could win, Robbie won’t). 

And “Oppenheimer” fared well with eight, including best motion picture — drama, best director (Christopher Nolan) and best male actor in a motion picture — Drama (Cillian Murphy). They won’t go head-to-head with the billion-dollar doll for the top prizes though. “Barbie” is nominated for best motion picture — musical or comedy, while “Oppenheimer” is (thank God) up for drama.

At the Globes, you truly never know.

Don’t count out Scorsese’s “Killers of the Flower Moon” (best motion picture — drama), which recently won the New York Film Critics Circle’s top accolade and was named best picture by the National Board of Review. Lead actress Lily Gladstone is nominated, and has a strong shot at going home happy. However, you can comfortably bet against its other stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert De Niro.

And many industry insiders see writer-director Cord Jefferson’s “American Fiction,” which is nominated for best motion picture and best male actor — musical or comedy (Jeffrey Wright) and won the Toronto International Film Festival’s all-important audience award, as a potential favorite for the Best Picture Oscar.

Regardless of who comes out on top, let’s pray the ceremony isn’t a self-righteous, apologetic, sleepy, laborious slog like last year’s show was. 

We know it’s a new and more ethical era for the Golden Globes. You can’t shut up about it. But, dammit, hire a vicious host and get your stars drunk. Otherwise, you’re just the Oscars with grilled chicken.