Keep Johnny Depp away from ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’

Terrible idea, ahoy!

Barely a month since Johnny Depp won his never-ending defamation trial against ex-wife Amber Heard, a rumor has surfaced on the website PopTopic that Disney, in its infinite Dis-dom, wants the actor to resume swashbuckling in more “Pirates of the Caribbean” films for an obscene $301 million. 

E! reported Tuesday that a rep for Depp had told NBC News that the report was “made up,” though the bedraggled team surely prefers headlines about possible contract negotiations to ones about the actor’s text messages promising the “global humiliation” of his former spouse.

I, on the other hand, do not.

Even if the Mouse House offers Depp a single gold doubloon to start flitting about as Captain Jack Sparrow again, this is a plan worthy of the poop deck.

Legally, the actor is perfectly employable. Depp had his day (well, his gajillion days) in court and came out victorious. The Court of Public Opinion can kvetch and moan all it wants, but it is not a replacement for the justice system. 

What shivers me timbers is that Old Man Depp is no longer physically or artistically capable of starring in these movies. He should sooner be thrown in the Hollywood brig.

When the first “Pirates” film was released — *takes a swig of pirate rum* — 19 years ago, Depp was a spry, sexy 40-year-old, who had only two years earlier played Juliette Binoche’s smoldering suitor in “Chocolat.”

The actor, who often took on creepy parts in Tim Burton movies such as “Edward Scissorhands” and “Sleepy Hollow,” donned a pirate hat, slapped on a hilarious sense of humor and earned himself a Best Actor Oscar nomination. And rightly so.

Yo ho, yo ho, oh how things have changed! Now pushing 60, Depp hasn’t drank from the Fountain of Youth like same-age cohort Tom Cruise. He looks and behaves like he has a timeshare in Davy Jones’ locker.

Five years ago, in the terrible “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales,” he resembled a bobbing buoy more than an infamous seafarer as he lethargically phoned in quirks and mugged for the camera. Every chapter since the original has been borderline unwatchable, but a likably smarmy turn from Depp was usually a sure bet. Since the fifth installment, that is no longer true. The film has a 30% score on RottenTomatoes, which is off by roughly 30%.

Yes, 875,337 people have signed a Change.org petition in the past year asking for Depp to pick up the sword again. But they are certifiably insane.

He’s better off in more mature films like this year’s “Minamata,” in which he played a real-life photo journalist — his best-reviewed role in years. Leave the hunky treasure-hunting to up-and-coming talents in a reboot. Harry Styles has prioritized acting as much as music these days, with two high-profile movies being released in 2022. Let him try on the leather boots and eyeliner. He already owns plenty of scarves.

Austin Butler could be a good pick, too, after his charismatic, flamboyant turn in “Elvis.”

If Disney can’t help but recycle its aging properties, the studio might as well recast the whole franchise. Keira Knightley was 18 in the first film; now she’s 37. Orlando Bloom, who was 26, is 45 today. They’re both great, but Father Time comes for us all.

But most importantly, a pirate’s life for … anybody but Johnny Depp.