Kerry Washington reveals she contemplated suicide in new memoir

Kerry Washington is opening up in her new memoir, “Thicker Than Water.” The “Scandal” alum revealed that she contemplated suicide at the height of her eating disorder.

“I could feel how the abuse was a way to really hurt myself, as if I didn’t want to be here,” Washington, 46, told Robin Roberts in a “20/20” special preview, which aired on Thursday. “It scared me that I could not want to be here because I was in so much pain.”

When asked if she considered suicide, she replied: “Yeah. Yeah … The behavior was tiny little acts of trying to destroy myself.”

The “Little Fires Everywhere” actress said she was “trying to destroy” herself amid her struggles, which carried on into college.

“[My body had] become a toxic cycle of self abuse that utilized the tools of starvation, binge eating, body obsession and compulsive exercise,” she shared. “The first thing that put me on my knees — like the first time I got on my knees and prayed to some power greater than myself to say like, ‘I can’t do this, I need some help’ — was with my eating disorder.”

She continued: “I was good at performing ‘perfect.’ I was good at control. I could party all night and drink and smoke and have sex and still show up and have good grades. I knew how to manage; I was so high-functioning and the food took me out. The body-dysmorphia, the body-hatred, it was beyond my control and really led me to feeling like, ‘I need help for somebody, or something, bigger than me because I’m in trouble and I don’t know how to live with this.’”

Now, Washington says her mindset is “different now” — but she still has to “check” herself from time to time.

“I wouldn’t say that I never act out with food, it’s just very different now,” she said. “It’s not to the extreme. There’s no suicidal ideation, that is not where I am anymore. But I know, ‘Oh, I’m really in this chocolate, this is good information for me.’ The bottom has gotten a lot higher where just a little discomfort with it is enough for me to know this is a way to check myself. But it definitely looks a lot healthier. It’s a lot easier. It’s a lot saner than it used to be.”

In 2020, she told Essence magazine that loving herself has been a “lifelong process.”

“Therapy helped me realize that maybe it’s okay for me to communicate my feelings. Instead of literally stuffing them down with food, maybe it’s okay for me to express myself,” she said at the time.

“Thicker Than Water” hits shelves on April 7. Washington’s “20/20” special airs on ABC Sunday.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis and live in New York City, you can call 1-888-NYC-WELL for free and confidential crisis counseling. If you live outside the five boroughs, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.