‘My partner always satisfies me but I don’t think he orgasms’

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who is worried the man she’s been dating is not happy with their sex life.

I’ve been seeing a man for about nine months and I really love him and the sex is great, I’m just worried he doesn’t enjoy our sex life as much as me. When we have sex he’s very preoccupied with dealing with my needs (great!) but when I try and reciprocate he seems to push away. I’m worried he isn’t orgasming as he’s so worried about me and my needs. While in theory, this sounds wonderful (and it is), I’m worried he isn’t enjoying himself. I want to bring it up with him but I don’t want him to think I don’t enjoy our sex. What’s the best way to approach this?

There are so many things that might be going on here, I’m not even sure where to start. But, in short, the best way to approach it is to talk to him about it.

Being able to talk openly and honestly about sex is one of the most important factors for long term sexual satisfaction in a relationship. It can also increase intimacy and allow you to feel more connected.

When raising a sensitive topic like sex, use the following steps:

1. Start with a positive

2. Share your emotion

3. Be clear about what you want

4. Ask how they feel

Here’s what it might sound like:

I love you and I love the sex we’ve been having – it’s great. I feel afraid that you’re not enjoying it as much as me. I want to know what you enjoy and make sure that I’m giving you pleasure too. Is this something you’re open to talking about with me?

Allow him space

If you’re not used to talking about this together, it might feel uncomfortable for both of you at first. He might even need some time and space to think. Give him some space if he isn’t ready to talk about it right away.

Speak using ‘I language’ not ‘You language’

When talking about any difficult issue, it’s more effective for us to use ‘I language’ rather than ‘You language’. ‘You language’ is likely to make people feel like they’ve done something wrong and become defensive.

If you want to raise specific issues like him pushing you away, do it using ‘I language’.

For example instead of saying ‘You push me away when I try to reciprocate’ try ‘I notice you seemed to push me away when I tried to reciprocate and I wonder if you didn’t like what I was doing?’

Be curious about his perspective

There is so much that might be going on for your partner around this.

It’s possible that he’s absolutely happy with the sex you’re having. Many people (regardless of gender) feel the most pleasure during sex when they know they’re giving someone else pleasure.

He might feel pressure to keep you satisfied. There is so much pressure on men to ‘perform’ in the bedroom. Pornography contributes to men often feeling inadequate if their partner doesn’t have as many orgasms as they expect or if they can’t maintain an erection as long as they believe they should.

He might not feel comfortable receiving pleasure. I’ve worked with men (and women) who feel uncomfortable experiencing too much pleasure for themselves. This is often related to negative beliefs about sex and/or gender roles.

He may struggle to reach orgasm. Men are increasingly experiencing Delayed Ejaculation, which is being unable to ejaculate even when they want to. Delayed Ejaculation can be caused by a number of factors including illness, mental health or medication, and isn’t necessarily a reflection of someone’s enjoyment of sex. Unfortunately due to embarrassment, some men don’t speak out about their experience, leaving their partner unaware or confused.

One of the increasingly common causes of Delayed Ejaculation is pornography use and masturbation, whereby a man becomes conditioned to orgasming with a certain kind of stimulation and is then unable to reach orgasm during partnered sex.

While these are some of the possibilities that come up for me, there may be something else entirely going on, which is why it’s so important for you to hear his experience from him.

I’m excited by the possibility of what could happen between you when you open up conversations about sex together. Couples I work with often tell me that now they can talk about something as tricky as sex together, they feel like they can talk about anything.