Netflix stage play is a disaster

Message to Netflix: Stick to the flicks.

“Stranger Things: The First Shadow,” the streamer’s freshman attempt at a stage play is a huge, insufferable embarrassment.

Mega-fans of the TV series, like me, will be extremely disappointed by how the live show, which opened Thursday night at the Phoenix Theatre in London, epically fails to conjure the magic and small-town charm of the Duffer brothers’ popular creation.

This bloated behemoth bears zero resemblance to your favorite binge-watch. What’s strange is that all this money and talent amounts to such a shambles.

And for the poor, unfortunate newbies who know zilch about Hawkins, Indiana, the Upside Down, or the Demogorgon and just want a fun night out at the theater, well, they are completely out of luck. The West End drama, written by Kate Trefry, is an incomprehensible mess, and the running time exceeds three hours. 

“First Shadow” is meant to be a prequel to “Stranger Things” set in the 1950s — Stephen Daldry’s direction is so careless, you’d never know — wherein we learn how an ostracized young Henry Creel becomes the main baddie of the retro, supernatural saga.

And it’s in Henry the show has its sole virtue — newcomer Louis McCartney.

The fantastic actor, who’s making his professional stage debut, is tortured, terrifying, and mesmeric as the future all-powerful villain. He unnaturally contorts his body as if he’s being exercised by Father Karras, is emotionally gripping, and makes an unshakable impression on his audience. A new star.

McCartney deserves a far, far better first play than the abysmal “First Shadow.” 

In this rice-paper slim story that’s somehow been puffed up into an evening, we witness Henry arrive in faraway Hawkins with his mother Virginia (Lauren Ward) and father Victor (Michael Jibson), and he quickly makes friends with Patty Newby (Ella Karuna Williams). However, Henry has dangerous powers that, uncontrolled, threaten those around him. 

He’s a bit of a Carrie White, boasting deadly otherworldly abilities he’s ashamed of, but nowhere near as driven or compelling a character as what Stephen King dreamt up. 

Also in the endless story are younger versions of Joyce (Isabella Pappas), Hopper (Oscar Lloyd, funny) and Bob (Christopher Buckley), played respectively on the Netflix show by Winona Ryder, David Harbour and Sean Astin. They go on an investigative journey to find out why all the townspeople’s pets are dying. It’s as dull as it sounds.

Patrick Vaill, from the recent Broadway revival of “Oklahoma!,” makes an overblown, 1980s primetime soap opera entrance at the end of Act as Dr. Brenner.

And another must-cut thread is a play-within-a-play at the high school, a la “Hamlet,” directed by a bland Joyce, that adds nothing to the show but minutes.

Being directed by Daldry, who also helmed the brilliant “Billy Elliot: The Musical” and many episodes of “The Crown,” you expect a certain level of capability and artistry walking in. Yet “First Shadow” is inelegant and confusing, and the special effects are hardly special. He spins the actors on a revolve over and over like a tumble dryer at the laundromat. One or two moments are striking — in over three freakin’ hours — but you’ve seen them all before.

The sets by Miriam Buether are sleek and efficient, but forgettable.

“First Shadow” is also the first go for Trefry, a writer on the TV series, at making a play. The original playwright on the project was Jack Thorne, who is credited here with the idea, and also wrote the much better “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.” Speaking of Thorne, I suspect that the Potter show will be a thorn in the side of “Stranger Things.” 

“Cursed Child,” which was also produced by Sonia Friedman, has been enjoyed for years by not only Harry fanatics, but theatergoers who’ve never cracked the spine of a J.K. Rowling book because of the well-crafted, moving scenes about fathers and sons, and eye-popping visual splendor. Here, Trefry’s dialogue and plotting are horrid, and the aesthetic is lazy — been here, done that, how-about-some-neon stuff. 

Tonight it was reported that Netflix is planning a trilogy of “Stranger Things” stage plays. Sheesh. Sounds like a threat to me.