The signs you’re feeling lust, not love: expert

Lust and love can often used synonymously, and it’s true, they have an inherent link to one another. But they are indeed two very different feelings. 

Have you ever found yourself in an intense new relationship; you know, the ones where you get so nervous about seeing the other person that your stomach fills with butterflies at the thought of seeing them. The ones where you question your outfit a hundred times before every meeting. The ones where you simply can’t stop thinking about them, to the point that your entire week is consumed by the thought of them, texting them incessantly, and hanging out for that next date that’s days away.

It’s in these kinds of relationships that we can easily become blinded by the idea of love and affection with another person, that we neglect what it is that we are actually feeling.

In many cases, this love translates to lust: a desire for someone, not love: a deep affection for another.

Lust and love are often discussed as two disparate emotions, but the truth is, the two exists on spectrum of attraction.

The Dana Foundation refers to this spectrum as the systems of emotions that complicate human life. The emotions in question include lust (or libido), infatuation (or passionate love), and attachment (or companionate love). Each of the three emotion systems are connected to a specific neurobiology in the brain, meaning that they are each associated with a different set of behavioural traits.

And while these three categories can, and are likely to, overlap throughout the many stages of any relationship, understanding the primary difference between lust and love can help prevent the potential onset of heartache.

So, what is lust?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines lust as a “usually intense or unbridled sexual desire” or “an intense longing” for another.

Haley Neidich, a psychotherapist and relationship expert reports that while lust is a product of attraction, it’s not always something to be acted on.

“Lust is purely sexual attraction which is often accompanied by physical arousal. Lust occurs both within loving relationships and external,” Neidich told Insider.

Lust can be controlling in its nature. It’s an intense emotion that can dominate our thoughts and actions, causing us to act against our better judgment in order to satisfy a desire. Our innate feelings of lust are brought on by the brain’s hypothalamus, the region of the brain responsible for the stimulation of sex hormones, including testosterone and oestrogen.

How is it different from love?

Unlike love, which is often driven by passion and compassion, lust is driven by desire, a sexual craving. More often than not, lustful relationships are centred around physical moments of intimacy.

During sex, our brains are flooded with a wave of feel-good chemicals which often entice us to feel an internal craving for the other person. As such, it’s often observed how easily it can be to confuse sexual cravings with the desire to spend time with someone.

The physically satisfying nature of lust means that emotional awareness is blinded, allowing the detrimental parts of a relationship to be ignored entirely.

If you’re stuck in relationship you’re not sure has an emotional roots, understanding the difference between lust (a hormone driven feeling) and love (an emotion-driven feeling) will be your best bet at answering the question we always ask ourselves: ‘Is it more than just sex?’

Here are 9 signs of lust that tell you it’s not love

Lena Derhally, certified relationship therapist and cognitive behavioral sex therapist spoke with US Men’s Health to share the telltale signs that point to your lust-driven relationship.

1. You’re obsessive

If you find yourself constantly thinking about the other person, fantasising about future scenarios with them and replaying past memories of them, you’re likely still sitting on the lust end of the spectrum.

2. You miss them incessantly

Part of the desire attached to lust is the wanting to be with, or near, the other person as much as possible. If you find yourself checking in on their whereabouts, and asking them when they’ll be home frequently throughout the week, your lust is in overdrive.

3. You think they can do no wrong.

An obvious sign of lust is not only highlighting all the good things in a person, but actively avoiding all the bad parts. You think they’re God’s gift to the world, with not a single flaw in sight – when in reality, no one is that perfect.

4. You don’t really know them, nor do they know you

Think about the unique aspects of this person’s life. What’s their greatest passion? And what do you know about this passion of theirs? If you dig a little deeper, you might realise you know nothing beneath the surface of this person. “That’s also why we say don’t get married to someone super quick,” Derhally adds, because when the heart eyes finally wear off, there’s more than meets the eye.

5. You feel an intense sexual attraction

Do you crave them often? The minute you hit the bedroom, does the temperature amp up? If you find that when you’re with them, all you can think of is ripping their clothes off, perhaps reconsider what it is that you find attractive about this person.

6. Your perspective is clouded

The gravity in which you crave this person, skews your rational being. You decide to hang out with them instead of seeing your close friends. You ignore texts from other people. You isolate yourself more and more from extended social groups.

7. Deeper connection isn’t on your radar

Often in relationships of lust, both parties aren’t interested in building a deeper foundation, rather they’re chasing an exhilarating desire. If you find yourself uninterested in getting to know a person on a deeper level, finding common interests and connecting beneath the surface, there’s likely no evidence of real love in your partnership.

8. You don’t feel accepted

Do you ever hide your true self? Do you feel as though you’re constantly trying to impress and flaunt the most superficial aspects of yourself? If you were to look back on your previous interactions and realised that you were presenting an altered version of yourself, there’s a chance you feel uncomfortable in your relationship, and no loving partnership should induce this kind of feeling.

9. It’s all about you or the other person, but never both

Most lust-driven relationships are ruled by selfishness. Each party, or perhaps just one, wants nothing more than to satisfy their wants, without compromise, and without considering the other person. If you find that controlling tendencies are starting to arise, perhaps it’s time to take a close look at the foundations of your relationship.