These are the films that best suit your zodiac sign

It’s that time of the year when red carpets unfurl, cleavage heaves and the academy recognizes and gilds the cinematic achievements of the year past.

The list of nominees in the Best Picture category is ten deep in 2024, including such sunny subject matter as the holocaust, the atomic bomb, domestic violence, patriarchal oppression, systematic indigenous murder, and the troubling influence of the white literary establishment.

Giddy up.

Sunday, March 10, the big night unfolds on ABC. Jimmy Kimmel is set to host and Scorpio king Ryan Gosling will take to the stage to perform his existential bro-anthem “I’m Just Ken.”

Gosling is nominated in the Best Supporting Actor category for his role in the blond blockbuster “Barbie.” Despite critical acclaim, the film’s director Greta Gerwig, and star, Margot Robbie were notably excluded from the Best Director and Best Actress categories — thereby proving the point of the movie they made.

In 2024, we’ll be celebrating the tenth anniversary of Aquarius John Travolta’s abject butchering of Idina Menzel’s name — and, we’re told, the public debut of Bradley Cooper and Gigi Hadid’s relationship.

If the zodiac signs themselves were winners in academy categories, we’d place our bets that Aries wins Best Live Action Short Film, as they go hard and but not for long.

Taurus takes Best Production Design because they live to curate (cough) control an aesthetic agenda, Gemini is Best Adapted Screenplay as they are adept at manipulating other peoples messages, Cancer is Best Sound because from the silent treatment to hysterics, they know how to play the decibel game.

Leo is main character energy incarnate as Best Actor/Actress in a Lead Role, Virgo with their unblinking judgment and thankless efforts are Best Editing, Libra, superficial — but very good at it — is Best Cinematography, Scorpio is Best Director because they are power hungry puppet masters/shameless oligarchs, Sagittarius on account of their love of pageantry, is Best Hair and Makeup Styling. Libra is cinematography because they’re superficial but good at it.

Capricorns, sluts for good tailoring, are Best Costume Design and Aquarius — with their pension for disappearing beneath masks of the literal and metaphorical variety — are Best Hair and Makeup Styling.

Last, but certainly not least deserving, Pisces, with their wild delusions and limited attention spans, are Best Animated Short.

Now that you’ve been primed on the stars at their award show best, read on to find out which Best Picture nominee matches each zodiac sign.

American Fiction

Leo is the sign of creativity, play, humor, performance, provocation and all that is extra.

Apropos of this, the brilliant satire “American Fiction” finds a frustrated novelist assuming a pen name to promote an outlandish book he wrote in jest and in critique of an establishment vested in propagating, and profiting from, stereotypes.

Intentionally outlandish but never without heart, “American Fiction,” is fixed fire, through and through.

Anatomy of a Fall

Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication and language and in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, is represented by the Hermit card.

In kind, “Anatomy of a Fall” takes place in an isolated cabin and concerns a novelist who may or may not have pushed her partner to his death. Not for nothing folks, my money says Virgo is the zodiac sign most likely to kill someone and get away with it.

Anything involving the murder of a lover is also pure Scorpio bait. Scorpions are also into things that are dark and difficult and this one pairs subtitles with winter and the shadowy impulses born of intimacy.

Barbie

Fun fact — Barbie is a Pisces. As the sign of fantasy and escape, it tracks, folks.

Pisces is the sign of dreams — this subversive, candy-colored film dares to imagine a world where the patriarchy does not run roughshod over the hopes, spirits, and bodies of women.

The Holdovers

In astrology, Capricorn represents the archetype of the father and the traditions of punishment, superiority complexes, and the classical canon.

Apropos of this, “The Holdovers” is a movie set in the wintery heart of sea goat season that explores paternal dynamics through the relationship between a classics professor at a private school punitively assigned to babysit a troubled youth with daddy issues. Checks out.

Killers of the Flower Moon

Rulers of the second house of worth and wealth, the tangible and the taxable, Taurus is a fixed earth sign related to both natural resources and human greed.

Martin Scorsese’s “Killers of the Flower Moon” speaks to the shadow belly of the bull in its portrayal of a series of financially motivated murders of members of the Osage Nation, after oil was discovered on tribal land.

Maestro

Libra rules the seventh house of partnerships and contracts and “Maestro” — directed by and starring lunar Libra Bradley Cooper — examines the complex and at points caustic marriage betwixt conductor/composer Leonard Bernstein and his wife, actress Felicia Montealegre.

Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, beauty, and symphonic harmony, and for all the pitfalls of his partnership, Bernstein never fails to bring sound into euphony.

Oppenheimer

Aquarius is ruled by Uranus, the planet of shock, awe and sudden change. In kind, or horror as it were, the atomic bomb stands as the moment the world was irrevocably altered.

Aquarius rules innovation/revolution and is synonymous with the archetype of the heretic/outsider. Fittingly, “Oppenheimer” follows its namesake protagonist as he develops the bomb and is ostracized not for his hand in the orchestration of mass murder but for his ties to the communist party.

Because Scorpio and Aries are ruled, respectively, by Pluto, god of ”Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds,” and Mars, the god of war and hell fire, “Oppenheimer,” is on brand for both signs.

Past Lives

Crab folks low-key love sad s–t — this one delivers. Cancer is the sign of the past, of the homes we come from, the people we’ve known and the nostalgia they inspire.

Accordingly, “Past Lives,” a slow burn, or deep well if you will, follows the divergent lives of a pair of childhood sweethearts and the cords that keep them coming back to each other to wistfully imagine what might have been and who they may have become.

Poor Things

Sagittarius is the sign of the freedom-loving, optimist-leaning, truth-hunting, knowledge-hungry seeker.

In kind and in arrow, “Poor Things” is essentially an adventure story, wherein our heroine learns the truth of herself and the true value of living free. True to the archetype of the archer, this one leverages wry humor and emerges as a slanted story with a happy ending.

The defiant inner child/absolute feral sovereign energy of Emma Stone’s character Bella Baxter also suggests Leos at their best.

The Zone of Interest

Represented by the celestial twins, Gemini is associated with, and interested in exploring, the duality that exists in the world at large.

“The Zone of Interest” brings that duality to devastating effect, juxtaposing the bucolic family life of a Nazi officer against the horrors of the Auschwitz concentration camp next door.

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.