Which ‘Idol’ character are you, based on your zodiac sign?
Pisces philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer espoused, “Wealth is like sea-water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; and the same is true of fame.”
There is perhaps no thirstier example of this truth than HBO’S “The Idol,” the network’s over the top ode to synth moans and the under boob.
Branded by critics as cringey at best and torture porn/rape fantasy at worst, the show follows controversial pop star Jocelyn, played by Lily-Rose Depp as she falls for ponytailed cult leader Tedros, played by Abel Tesfaye, the artist formerly known as The Weeknd who also co-wrote and produced the series.
Tesfaye, whose acting talents have been the source of much debate, has fired retaliatory Twitter shots at both “Rolling Stone,” and less predictably, Oreo cookies.
The Post’s Lauren Sarner argued of the incessant raunch that has come to define the show, “It’s hard to claim that it’s making any kind of subversive statement about how female celebrities get exploited when the show itself is doing just that.”
“The Idol” is directed by Sam Levinson who struck pay dirt with his strung out on sex, drugs and winged eyeliner teenage wasteland ensemble drama “Euphoria”
Perhaps in light of the backlash, the series was scaled down from six episodes to five and it was announced it would not be renewed by HBO for a second season.
Which character in this constellation of parasites matches your zodiac sign? Read on to learn more.
Andrew Finkelstein (Eli Roth)
Hot headed and armed with a red sports car, a quick tongue, a sharp haircut and nary a f–k to give, Andrew Finkelstein is all Aries.
Who but Martian ruled cardinal fire appears at the doorstep of their star client mere minutes after a scandal breaks with money on the mind and an axe to grind?
The Fink is first born, petulant child, ‘don’t you know who I am’ vibes. Add to the kindling that he is played by real life Aries Eli Roth.
Izaak (Moses Sumney)
Taurus rules the throat and apropos of this, Izaak’s voice sounds like sex sweat soaking into silk sheets.
Played by Moses Sumney, Izaak admits that his draw to rat rail Svengali Tedros was that he pushed him further than he thought possible.
Taurus folk struggle to leave the pastures of their comfort zone and are taken with and by by people strong and stubborn enough to help them break free of themselves.
Xander (Troye Sivan)
Signing away his talent and trading loyalties like yesterday’s underwear, Xander, played by real life Gemini Troye Sivan represents some of the less stellar/fool hardy qualities of the Gemini ilk.
A former child star who just wants to be heard, validated and celebrated Xander, is guilty of talking big and acting small.
Destiny (Da’Vine Joy Randolph)
Cancer represents the archetype of the mother and Jocelyn’s co-manager Destiny, played beautifully by Da’Vine Joy Randolph, casts herself in the role of surrogate to the recently orphaned star.
Equal parts tough and tender she is fiercely protective of Joc and sagely suggests creep machine Tedros be murdered to prevent harm calming to her.
Destiny’s propensity for maternal Cancer care is also on display in the advice as medicine, know your worth conversation she shares poolside with Chloe.
Dyanne (Jennie Kim)
Outshining, out dancing, outf—ing and stepping into the spotlight even when it means stepping over the body of a friend that gave her a come up, Dyanne, played by Jennie Kim represents the spotlight seeking, ‘love me the most,’ applause hungry heart of a low vibe Leo.
Leia (Rachel Sennott)
Played by IRL Virgo Rachel Sennott, Leia is the curtain opening, crisis managing, mutable voice of reason in the chaotic realm of Jocelyn, the argyle answer to her employer’s under boob if you.
“It’s a party all the time and I’m just trying to keep it together,” the mantra of Virgos everywhere. She’s taking care of business in her shoulder pads, she’s reminding Joc of her early call times and holding her purse while she makes out with dubious dudes.
She’s a responsible roll dog with great eyebrows, a strong judge of character with a weakness for a proper d–king down, making her the uncontested Virgo of the bunch.
Benjamin (Dan Levy)
Libra is represented by the scales of justice and natives are adept at bringing balance to situations even and especially when that situation calls for the rebranding of hard truths.
Ruled by Venus, planet of glow ups and pretty words, Libras like Benjamin are aces at PR, turning a breakdown into “prioritizing wellness,” and reimagining a leaked semen soaked selfie as a viral campaign for courage.
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Chaim (Hank Azaria)
Scorpio rules the eighth house of sex, death and other people’s money and Chaim, played by Hank Azaria manages Jocelyn’s finances, deals in death threats, keeps a gun in the glovebox and even pays a lackey to lock a nipple averse intimacy coach in a bathroom.
A businessman veneer and a thick set of frames mask a sensitive creature who handles his client with paternal delicacy, never holding back the truth from her but always delivering it with empathy and the communicated belief that she can and will handle any blow dealt in her direction.
Chloe (Suzanna Son)
Piano paying, closet snooping, crocodile rhapsodizing Chloe, played by Suzanna Son is the resident Sagittarius of the cult of the rat tail.
The first to take a skinny dip in a stranger’s pool, she is a sunny side up, sugar spun care bear, skipping through the halls with a pure heart and a face full of freckles, optimistically extolling the virtues of all experience, good, bad, traumatic and trying as valuable.
Nikki Katz (Jane Adams)
Capricorn is a cardinal earth sign that lords over the tenth house of career and pubic image, as such natives are all about sex and business.
Enter Nikki “you think you have a bigger f–king d–k than me?” Katz coming in hot with a story about having anal sex in the company stairwell before a board meeting.
Big time Cap vibes. Our girl is callous about death and dedicated to commerce, doling out hard truths from behind her Saturnian sunglasses and climbing over the wreckage of Jocelyn’s instability to give her single to her competitor and raise up a new golden calf to the god of the bottom dollar.
Tedros (The Weeknd)
Pillow sniffing, dirty talking, hair brush wielding, blind fold folding, rat tail rocking Tedros is played by IRL Aquarius The Weeknd.
As a fixed air sign Aquarians are well versed in command and control and make for natural cult leaders and astronauts.
The kind of people that can do cocaine without blinking and view sex as an exercise in leverage more than lust.
Weighted towards the cerebral versus the emotional they often mask their true selves behind elaborate personas and curious facades; cut to Tedros practicing his “Hello, angel,” in the mirror, his torture techniques as an exercise in family values and his unhinged smile as a response to dissent.
Jocelyn (Lily-Rose Depp)
Ah Pisces, ruled by Neptune these baby angels are soft of heart and bad at boundaries. True to form, Jocelyn employs her assistant as her best friend, or vice versa, is ambivalent about revenge and proves unable to resist the lure of a troubled dude with a rat tail or said scumbag’s suggestion that he move in after their third date.
Pisces rules the lonely, drafty, twelfth house of the unconscious mind; the domain of the esoteric, the liminal, the dreamy, the destructive and the undead.
In kind, it’s revealed that Jocelyn has a habit of talking to aliens and sensing her dead, abusive mother in the walls of her home.
Willing to go to great and terrible lengths in the name of art and in the pursuit of love, Jocelyn shows us the belly scales and edging vocal techniques of her Piscean nature.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “w
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